Swine Flu Linked to Deficiencies in Vitamin the johns, Experts Say

Scientists, nutritionists and mystics have long agreed that regular infusions of vitamin J (the johns) is an important and integral part of every healthy diet. Although the proper usage guidelines vary from expert to expert, the most common dose of one punch-to-the-face-while-dancing-to-the johns, is generally recommended.

New studies, however, by leading researchers in the pseudo-medical industry have shown that, not only composed of wholesome ROCK goodness, Vitamin J (the johns), in some cases, can miraculously cure heinous disease. This study has shown that when exposed to concentrated levels of Vitamin J(the johns) 90% of swine flu sufferers have spontaneously risen from their hospital beds and begun dancing. This reaction, what researchers are now calling the johns effect, is so strong that in a rare 2% of cases dancing patients spit beer on everything and everyone around them (including expensive equipment).

Researchers have attributed the johns effect to the high levels of awesome that permeates the johns, especially in their pants.

We're Back, Bitches!

A lot of people have been coming up to me on the street and asking about New York's hottest band, the johns. "What have they been up to," the people ask. "When can I go see them play their kick ass music," they query. "Are the rumors about Jon Ream true?"* The people want to know! The people have been asking "why, oh why, haven't you been blogging?" Well, I'm hear to tell you that all that the blog is back. We will be answering all your questions and more, and delivering the goods from that special johns perspective that we know you love.

FYI:
Yes, the johns will be playing a show tonight with the tall black girls.

Yes, the johns will be going on a Midwestern rampage of terror and destruction. They're coming to your town, LIVE starting in August, so LOOK OUT!

Yes, the johns have and will continue to carry on their campaign of making you dance while punching you in the face, and plan to continue to do so.

*the rumors ARE true.

Johnny's Manic Mondays

I should drink more, eat more, stuff myself like a fucking pig and live in a $300,000 pre-fab shit hole cause it's my right. I am American. I am suffocating. I do good things. I feel surrounded by d-u-m-b people Check us out CMJ. Watch the future. Get off your ass, make something, fight, want it, lick it, fuck it, run naked, no time for complacency. Don't let your TV steal your flavor. I hate you right now I want more. Don't be nostalgic or too reactive or safe or fair, GET OVER FEAR. RUN! HIT! KICK! PUNCH! DRINK! DESTROY! DIE! DIE!!! LIVE FULL SMART RIGHT NOW!!!

A Debate, Stupid

So the last debate is tonight, and I was just wondering if you're even going to watch it? Yeah, I guess I'll watch the stupid thing, too. Although, I have no idea why they still call them debates. It was my understanding that in a debate it was customary for debaters to actually ANSWER questions. But I guess that's whats great about modern politics: nobody really has to answer for anything. Just reject the premise of the question, and you'll do fine. 

Well that just doesn' t make for a very good show, in my humble opinion. What we need to liven these debates up, is a good old-fasioned way to keep score. So what I propose is that the news networks and sportsvision get together to come up with a little tab below the debaters faces, and everytime one of them answers a question and uses sound logic, they get a point. Everytime the debater dodges a question or uses falty logic or inaccurate data, they lose a point. We put a big fat scoreboard in the debate hall so we all know just how we're doing. 

I know the moderator supposedly keeps score, but we need it big and in our faces so people can place bets and so there is a clear winner. Lets keep these ass-holes honest.