Johnny's Manic Mondays

I should drink more, eat more, stuff myself like a fucking pig and live in a $300,000 pre-fab shit hole cause it's my right. I am American. I am suffocating. I do good things. I feel surrounded by d-u-m-b people Check us out CMJ. Watch the future. Get off your ass, make something, fight, want it, lick it, fuck it, run naked, no time for complacency. Don't let your TV steal your flavor. I hate you right now I want more. Don't be nostalgic or too reactive or safe or fair, GET OVER FEAR. RUN! HIT! KICK! PUNCH! DRINK! DESTROY! DIE! DIE!!! LIVE FULL SMART RIGHT NOW!!!

A Debate, Stupid

So the last debate is tonight, and I was just wondering if you're even going to watch it? Yeah, I guess I'll watch the stupid thing, too. Although, I have no idea why they still call them debates. It was my understanding that in a debate it was customary for debaters to actually ANSWER questions. But I guess that's whats great about modern politics: nobody really has to answer for anything. Just reject the premise of the question, and you'll do fine. 

Well that just doesn' t make for a very good show, in my humble opinion. What we need to liven these debates up, is a good old-fasioned way to keep score. So what I propose is that the news networks and sportsvision get together to come up with a little tab below the debaters faces, and everytime one of them answers a question and uses sound logic, they get a point. Everytime the debater dodges a question or uses falty logic or inaccurate data, they lose a point. We put a big fat scoreboard in the debate hall so we all know just how we're doing. 

I know the moderator supposedly keeps score, but we need it big and in our faces so people can place bets and so there is a clear winner. Lets keep these ass-holes honest.

Johnny's Manic Mondays-FROM LA

Happy to be back in LA, although I hate this hotel I'm at. It's in on the porn star promenade on Santa Monica and gay. I never came around here when I lived here, why start now? HUH? I'm leaving this dump, LATA!

SO we had a pretty kick ass show the other night at Mercury Lounge. I love all the faces that showed up and rocked it with us, but one question: Why are there seats in any NYC music establishment? It encourages bad seated behavior: anti-movement. Maybe in 40 years when we are on the jazz standards and colostomy bags tour, but WHAT THE FUCK (spelled out)! Now it wasn't a big problem, and a lot of racks and sacks where shaking all over the place, but all that it takes is one lame chick and now its a fucking dinner party on the sidelines where people should be doing it or fighting. I did spot some couple outside fighting right after our show which I thought was appropriate and brought a smile to may face!

Our new EP comes out Tuesday, Oct 21! Get it! I give you sexy sauna Britney for your visual enjoyment. I liked it better when she was bananas, but she looks hot. Punch my Face. xxxo.

Seven Inch of the Week

Hello ladies and gents.  Now, I know what you're gonna say....there hasn't been a seven inch of the week for quite a few weeks now, and I just threw away my record player, thinking that it was no more.  Well....you're wrong.  So go out to the dumpster, dust off that needle, and get ready for some more seven inches that will change your freaking life!!   It is true that the Johns have been secluded in an underground cave working on a new EP, to be released in time for CMJ.  Now that we have come to the surface of the earth again, you should be expecting to see blogs on a more regular basis.  Anyway, the seven inch this week is a split seven inch : Bad Religion/Noam Chomsky's - New World Order: War # 1.  Okay, so you all know Bad Religion.  If you don't, you've got problems, and I'm not even going into it.  Now, we have seen recently many musicians and bands getting into politics in their music.  Bad Religion was doing it before it was the hip thing to do.  This split 7 inch was a release in 1991 to protest the First Gulf War.  The release came on maximum rock 'n' roll's label, which was a prevalent punk/hardcore zine back in the late 80's early 90's, and remains a source of music candor today.  The tracks on this 7" by Bad Religion are both on the A-side and are 1) Heaven is Falling and 2) Fertile Crescent.  They are both ROCKERS, and amazing tracks.  In fact, I would also suggest you check out the full-length record on which they eventually appeared, entitled Generator.  Now, the great thing about this seven inch is that the B-Side is a political analysis by the famous MIT professor Noam Chomsky.  All I have to say is splitting your 7 inch with an anarchist/libertarian socialist.....now that's PUNK ROCK!!! 

Johnny's Manic Mondays

WOAHHH! SEAGULL! WOOOOAAAAH KATE! WOOOAAAAH Jay Braun!

Hey People!

So I got my hair did and rescued from the beautiful people at Seagull Saturday. If you haven't heard of the joint, then you're missing out. Kate and company really do it right over there. Check out their amazing blog: seagullhair.typepad.com
and go get yourself pretty: www.seagullhair.com

We just finished mixing and recording our new EP with Jay Braun (pictured on the left with the chick). If you've never heard of him, where've you been? Jay's worked on music with Jon Spencer, Chuck D, Catpower, The Stills, Fiery Furnaces, and his own rad band, The Negatones. He's dope as hell, so is his D-O-G, the music's going make you wet yourself, GET READY!!!! D-U-M-B never sounded so fresh!

Johnny's Manic Mondays

Well well well, nothing really to say today except FUCKING SARAH PALIN! Me and every other thinking person, but if this shit works...THE GOOD OL'USA DESERVES WHAT IT GETS! STOP THIS GLORIFIED REAL ESTATE AGENT!

No offense to real estate agents, she's just got the look. Kind of like this lady from Hometown that use to balance her checkbook at the table and always say "God Bless You" as you' d pass her table. Can't you just see her smug nazi face on Century 21 signs all over Anytown, USA. Her crooked smile just screams "I just got plowed in the ass by your husband and sold your house for half it's market value and now you're fucked! "

I'm wasting time here. We are starting on our new EP tomorrow! Listen UP!!!! Look out! xxxo.

The End is Nigh! or is it...

Hi there, it's great to be back after an awesome summer of partying and carrying on (wait a tick, that's what we do all year). Anyway, I thought I'd talk to you about something I find very funny: The new hadron collider in Europe. Now, I know what you're about to say, "what in the heck is a hadron?" And let me be the first to tell you that I have no idea. All I know is that they are going to be collided, and things crashing into each other makes me very happy indeed. I'll admit, the fact that a bunch of alpha-geeks built a big hula-hoop underground to smash things together is by itself, not very amusing. However, whenever you combine alpha-geeks, idiots, and the news media, right there you have yourself some laugh chowder. Take a gander some of these headlines:

• MIT physicist gets death threat over collider experiment
• Don't panic: Large Hadron Collider won't spawn voracious black holes
• Atom-smasher set to probe Universe's secrets (not really that funny, but I just like the word "probe")

As you can see, science + fools = ensuing hilarity. If you would like to know the official position the johns take on this monuments, yet controversial moment in the history of the world, it is this: hadrons good; probes better.

Johnny's Manic Mondays-Fashion Fashion Music Fashion

Still reeling from Carlos Campos' show last night.  It was so good. Can't stop dancing in my head to Marcelo Cunning's dope ass music.  Met Sean Paul and Eric Benet and Manuela Testolini as they are all cool as hell.  Mr. Benet's from the same stopping ground as most of the johns. 

Excited to try out the new music for a crowd tomorrow night! Black Betty in Williamsburg, 10:30pm.  xxxo. 

Summer Funner While There's Still Time

Since D-roc is about to be an uncle, he won't be writing to tell us all about how awesome his new fridge is today, so I thought I'd cover for him. So I'd thought I'd share with the top five things the johns like to do in the summer. As we all know, time's running out on summer 2008, but there's still time to get in those last couple shots (if you catch my drift).

So here they are, the johns top 5 summer activities:

5. Drink Sparks!
Often compared to the bubbling concoction of pure liquid evil that turned square old Dr Jekyll into a descent party dude, sparks is the fastest way to black out and then come-to on the streets of Philadelphia babbling incoherently! If a picture is worth a thousand words, a can of sparks is worth a thousand middle fingers to your friends.

4. Pick a fight.
You don't have to punch somebody in the face (although, it can be very fun), but even the simplest verbal altercations can be just the ticket when it comes to squeezing some juice out of that boring day. Try it on a friend or loved one!

3. Leave town.
Just go. Shhhh-- don't cry.

2. Make people on the subway uncomfortable.
Maybe they're just coming home after a long day. Maybe they're getting ready for a night on the town. Nothing beats that look they get when you stand too close to them, and do something wildly inappropriate.

1. ROCK!
'nough said.

Manic Mondays

Feeling like an angry 15 year old!

I love this wack ass country! But I have some questions:

-Why does everyone have to dress like shit? By in large. Fat babies in pajamas!

-Why do we need to convince people McCain is so bad? (And what the fuck is Angelina's damage, "I don't know who I like yet", ASSHOLE!)

-Why do we not revere people who make it and stay on top? (The Clintons, Madonna, etc.)

-Why don't reporters here ask the burning questions?

-Why is high fructose corn syrup legal?

-Why encourage everyone to go to college?

-Why is pot illegal?

-Why is travel 50% more in the summer?

-Why do we fall for it?

BJORK SAYS:

Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Start your own currency!Make your own stampProtect your languageDeclare independenceDon't let them do that to youDeclare independenceDon't let them do that to you[x4] Make your own flag![x6] Raise your flag!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Damn colonistsIgnore their patronizingTear off their blindfoldsOpen their eyesDeclare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!With a flag and a trumpetGo to the top of your highest mountain![x6] Raise your flag!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Raise the flag!

Badass Howto: Part III

I've been talking with you about what it takes to be a badass. I've warned you of the tight rope that this path can be, knowing always that you walk a fine line between asshole and douche bag. However, there comes a point when you may do something so great that your legendary status will be guaranteed for all time. Once you reach this level, no matter what you do, your name will no longer be spoken, but whispered with awe and envy and fear.

I'm not sure if your mind is ready to handle the magnitude this concept, but I've recently been inspired by the XXIX Olympiad, so I decided to share my thoughts on the subject. These are really the defining moments that separate the badasses from the losers (and the assholes and douches, of course!). Let me give you an example, that actually hits all of our points quite nicely:

The day: Sunday, August 10th, 2008. The place: the water cube, Beijing China. The French 4x100 freestyle relay team, lead by Alain Bernard is considered the best in the world. This is what sets the stage for that defining moment I'm talking about. The Frenchies, although they are considered the best and hold the record, start talking shit. 

"The americans, we're going to smash them. that's what we came here for."

by saying this we can see that Bernard, despite his skill and ability, has clearly fallen off the path of the badass, and become an asshole. And what happens? Along comes 32 year old Jason Lezak, who never rises to the frenchie's insults, and beats him in one of the greatest races of all time. The outcome of the race not only instantly propels Jason Lezac forever into the status of badass, but it also has the additional effect of changing Alain Bernard's status from asshole to douche-bag/loser (if he had won he would have retained his asshole status).

The moral of the story is this: don't talk trash and then lose, you douche-bag! Here endeth the lesson.

Johnny's Manic Mondays

What started out just another Manic Monday is now sunny and in full swing!  I'm leaving for Stockholm in a few hours.  Just recovered from Thursday into Friday into Saturday bender. AND HERE'S A TIP: When your still reeling, do something productive.  After staying up all night from practice to party, to Motor City to after party to street dancing, I stood in line for the new iPhone because every line needs a hunky junkie and because I wanted the damn phone, I love it so much I wanna fuck it. HERE'S ANOTHER TIP: Always give your favorite bartender your extra rave stash=free tequila sunrises all night and nothing but trust when they are wielding a knife around your neck.  

So from time to time I check out this place that is devoted to meditating on World Peace.  I know, I'm a walking contradiction and that's how I like it.  But I have some questions regarding Buddhism: Punk-rock and Buddhist?  Yeah!  Fuck FUCK YEAH! someone like Ms. Michelle help me please with this query:  What to do if bugs are eating your house, exterminator?  etc...?  This is so not Buddhist but what do you do, give in and let them eat your house.  Everything else makes perfect sense.  

Party Like It's 1899!

Hello, I thought I'd take a break this week from explaining what it takes to be a badass (and why you are not one), to discuss something that I know you are very interested in: Absinthe! Yeah, get ready to cut your ear off baby! So, I was cruising digg.com (something that I highly recommend), when i came across this tidbit from wired. That's right, after being banned in the states and many European countries since 1900, the green fairy is legal and ready to mess up your face. (its actually been available since last year, but that doesn't make it any less good!)

In fact I can remember a couple occasions when my face was definitely seriously messed up by this stuff. The first time happened at the good old Beta Psi chapter of Sigma Nu, where myself and several of my esteemed collegiate associates formed a crack team devoted to none other than libation investigation. We managed to collect a fair amount of data on a number of potent beverages. Unfortunately, since our data was mostly anecdotal, our findings were never published. But I have no problem providing a brief description of our absinthe experience. As one of my colleagues put it:

"We found ourselves in a remarkably altered state of consciousness, where time and space began to lose their meanings. And together we drifted through a green fog. Also, we were piss-assed drunk."*

What fun!

As we all know, getting piss-assed drunk has both its ups and downs, and the johns condone both. The thing that makes absinthe so good, even though it may bamboozle your wits enough to think that the best way to get your GF back is to lop off parts of your body and send them to her, is that it has a ritual. You take a sugar cube and a fork and light things on fire and its awesome! What our exhaustive study suggested is that, while just plain drinking is pretty fun, getting drunk lighting things on fire, is SUPER fun, and I highly recommend it.

So the next time you're out, and you feel like going all the way, please think of me, Van Gogh, and the green fairy (in that order), and go for it! Here are some place that will help get there.

* I don't know who said that, we were wasted!

Manic Mondays and BIG GAY TUESDAYS

Hi Hi! Im a DJ!

It's late, I know. Fuck you.

The johns are really on fire right now, I didn't have time for anything the past couple of days, neither did Derek so I am writing for two.

We have a new manager that is badass and who gives a what, so that's great.

We are recording a new EP/7inch/something, so that's dope! Definite departure from the other stuff. More dance and crazy. The guy we are "this close" to working with described the anticipated sound as unapologetic...with dance beats. There's really no kind of music better than that if you think about.

Why am I a Dj? Because everybody is a Dj, right, especially if you are in a sexy band...so, check!

The guys from Chromeo and Bloc Party and The Virgins are playing records ( I hope, I mean everyone has a decent playlist on their IPOD, but playing records is the way, especially techo, I'm going be a techo-DJ, you'll see) on Thursday. RSVP here: http://www.uptheantics.com/preapwbashrsvp I will be there. We should make out.

I will be posting from Stockholm next week, so if any of you have anything cool for me to do there or stuff to check out, hit me. You know where to find me. xxxo.

7 Inch of the WEEK

Okay Lady's and Gent's. As you all now, every week I tell you all about one track (and usually more) on a 7-Inch record that you need to check out. This week's 7-Inch track is Scared of Chaka - Shaolin. First, a little history on the band. Scared of Chaka is a garage band from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Now...I know what you're thinking. Can a band from New Mexico really be good? Well...think about it. There's really nothing to do in New Mexico...so you either become really good at Magic the Gathering, like our friend Tim-Tim, or you get together with a group of your buddies and rock your asses off. Scared of Chaka chose the latter. So, these guys started playing in the early 90's and have this amazing garage-sound that is only attained by cheap recordings in a hot basement (or garage). The lead singer/guitarist, Dave Hernandez, later went on to be the Bass player for the now-popular (but kind of lame live) band "The Shins." In fact, the other band on this 7-Inch, Flake Music, went on to break up, and form The Shins without Hernandez, and in 2003, after their bass player left, added Dave Hernandez as their full-time Bass Player. Pretty cool, right? Maybe it was this 7-Inch that created the bond that would later lead to the rock-connection. Or maybe there were only 10 guys in Albuquerque who could play music. Who knows?

So, on this 7-Inch, which was released in 1997 on 702 Records, both bands cover one song of the other band, and compose one original track of their own. Scared of Chaka's original "Shaolin" is for the A.D.D. child in all of us. Its a rocker, but only just over 2 minutes long. Check it out, its a cool track! This 7-inch is also printed on Orange Translucent Vinyl...so its really cool. Unfortunately, as indicated by the 702 records site the record is out of print and not available. But, if you can find the original at a used record shop..its really cool looking, and a collector's item...especially for all of you die-hard Shins fans out there (of which I am not, which makes me even more satisfied to know I own this record).

Also, Flake Music's original track on the split is entitled "The Shins" (holy crap this is getting weird!) Hmm...real original guys, form a new band, and name it after one of your old songs. Maybe the johns should form a new band and call it D.U.M.B. In the words of Johnny P....."NAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Anyway, Scared of Chaka is doing a mini reunion tour this September culminating in a show at the Forward Music Fest in Madison, Wisconsin on September 20th. From Albuquerque to Wisconsin...wow! Bring your parkas!!

Badass Howto: part II

Assemble your crew

Some, like myself and the other members of my kickass band, the johns, are born badassess, and it is both a blessing and a curse. For others, becoming a badass is an ongoing process. You will not just wake up one day, and be a badass. Rather, over the course of time you MAY find yourself in situations in which you will do some badass things that go on to become the stuff of legends.

A crucial step you must take while on the path of the badass, is to make the commitment to always back up your crew. This choice can sometimes get you into some hairy situations. For expample, going back The Outlaw Josey Wales, when his friends were captured by Ten-Bears, he rode in all alone, to get them back. As we know from the chief, he wasn't expecting to return, but he went anyway. For him, the choice of facing certain death for his friends was simple: there was no choice. Not many people have the intestinal fortitude for that sort of commitment, but for those select few, the title of badass awaits.

Backing up your crew, no matter what is important, but to the badass, the crew can also serve as a litmus test. While on the path, with the danger of becoming an asshole on one side, and a total douche-bag on the other a badass will need to check his/her progress. If for example you find yourself facing a horde of angry drunks, and you look behind you to find yourself all alone, you have gone over to the side of the assholes. If on the other hand, you find yourself with a group of people who are more like accessories than friends, who you would gladly sell at not only the first sign of trouble, but also the first hint that you could be hanging out with somebody "cooler," then you my friend, are a douchebag.

For further study I recommend Alexander Dumass' The Three Musketeers. Until next week, regard every smile as an insult, and every laugh as a challenge.

My Keyboard kicks your keyboard's ass!!

As a member of the johns, I get asked often*, “you all have such a cool fresh sound, how on earth can I replicate it?” Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my answer is always “Sorry, (insert fan’s name here)…You can’t!” (However, before dashing said fan’s hopes and dreams, I first thank the fan for their nice words.)

Nope, what makes our sound cool and dope is our original & exclusive punk/disco hybrid brand of rock and roll…that and the 5 awesome dudes** which comprise the johns.

But I can give you a little insight into some of our music making secrets... or rather, some history on some of the instruments used within the johns’ compound***

The johns use past, present and future experiences for our killer song writing. Think of us as a time machine of musical influences. Our current sound is most definitely the future of music. You will be dancing to our tunes for eons (long after you die and your corpse rots and decomposes) -- so just accept that the johns are here to rule your world! However, we also use tools from the past to create our killer tunes****.

And today I would like to share with you one of those tools:
The Wurlitzer Electric Piano.

The Wurly is a rock and roll staple. It’s been around since 1955! Silly synths bow down to it’s formidable history, it’s hard biting bark of a sound, and the fact that it weighs a ton. The guts of one of these monsters looks like a grand piano (complete with wood and red felt) married to an old transistor radio (wires and knobs and electricity!) All that equals massive coolness… and with the johns, you should expect nothing less.

Click here to take a look/listen at some of the Wurly’s most famous past rock songs:

And then take a listen to how the wurly helps to create johns’ musical magic:
http://www.thejohnsnyc.com/music.html

You’ll notice the Wurly 200A playing in both THE ONE, and the chorus of WANNA DANCE. And the über cool ancient WURLY 145 playing during the “clap break” of our most recent video hit, SHAKE IT.

And that my friends and fans is just a smidgen of some of the secrets of the johns’ music magic. Now that you all are quivering with excitement,.. I must say goodbye.

Derek

*on average 3 times a day, when out in public without a mask on

**some more awesome than others

**the johns’ compound is neither dangerous or cultish…unless you want to be. In that case please email us ASAP.

****the johns’ music is really not deadly, unless you were decapitated by a fiercely spinning CD.

Johnny's Manic Mondays

I'm sick...please forgive me for the short post. We are rumbling about doing a new EP/7 inch. Our last album was like having an ugly kid. They have their charming ways about them, they are good for a laugh, they show promise, they can only get better with time, etc... Now the thought of making a new one FUCK YEAH! and with the people we might be working with...that's like banging Angelina and having her harbor your genius. I think our debut had a lot of really great songs on it, and even a few good recordings, but I can't wait to do it right, right, right!? One "producer"we worked with before, only to be referred to as D-D-D-D-douche! was like putting your privates in a blender and hoping for the best.

In the meantime, stalk us, hunt us down, and we might even let you into band practice or at least kiss your face. Even if it's face above, cause I think you're sexy no matter what.

xxxo.

7 Inch of the Week

Well...we're back again, for another edition of 7 Inch of the Week. For those of you unfamiliar with this weekly account...it's easy. 1) I give 1 track off of a seven inch that you should check out, and 2) You go out and buy it and listen to it. Or, more likely1) I give you 1 track off of a seven inch that you should check out and 2) You buy the track on itunes. LAME. Anyway, this week's lucky winner is The Figgs - "Let's Get Arrested"

If you're unfamiliar with "The Figgs" here's the downlow. These guys were a great straight-ahead punk rock quartet that started in the early 90's. They had some success with their full-length "Low Fi-at Society High," and were sigend to Capitol Records (along with their touring partners, TripleFastAction, another great band everyone should check out). Believe it or not, I remember seeing The Figgs (and T3Fa) right after their major label releases at the Grog Shop in Cleveland, Ohio, and none other than Jimmy Eat World opened for both of these bands. Who knew Jimmy Eat world would make it big and both The Figgs and Triple Fast Action would fade away. But the Figgs continue on, and they still make music and play shows (albeit with one less member). The Figgs will be playing the Knitting Factory on August 29th in NYC, and you can be sure to see me there. The B-side track, "Let's Get Arrested" is an amazing little interlude, a love song even, about, what else...getting arrested. It's a good activity for a first date, or just a lazy Saturday, and the Figgs wrote a song ALL about it. If you don't like it, I'll give you a buck.

Until next Thursday...

Badass Howto: part I

I've recently been getting a lot of emails about something that seems to be really important to a lot of people. Let me start out by reading one of the numerous letters I've received:

Dear Javier,

I love your band, the johns, and I think you guys are great. You are obviously the most handsome member of the band, but you're also the biggest badass. I keep getting picked on at school, and I was wondering if you could give me some tips on how I can be a baddass like you.

Tim-Tim,
Florida

Well Tim-Tim, I would love to help you out. I have to begin by saying that being a badass is not all fun and games, and can sometimes be a burden, as well as a blessing. To be an ultimate badass, you have to walk a fine line between douche-bag and ass-hole. Many find it quite challenging and usually gravitate toward one side or the other. I myself often flirt with being a total and complete ass-hole, as many would tell you (if they were still alive to talk). In order to best help you with your makeover from pussy to badass I can give you a quick overview.

First of all, be good at something. As a badass, you have to be able to throw the cards down on the table and just make it happen. People should outwardly think you're a big dick, but secretly wish they WERE you. The only way to achieve this is to actually be good at something, in a down and dirty, "put your money where your mouth is" sort of way. Lots of douche bags out there will just talk the big talk, and be full of shit, so you just laugh at them. You don't want to fall into that trap. You also want to stay from the ass-hole side of the equation, by not needlessly taunting your opponents. Some taunting is okay, but after doing something totally awesome a badass will just leave it at that. An ass-hole on the other hand, will just keep taunting people even after they've won.

It doesn't matter what you're good at, although somethings work better than others. For example, I'm good at playing guitar and kicking people's asses. That pretty much makes me a badass. Kicking ass is definitely a good place to start if you want to be an all around badass. Maybe, though, your passion is pokemon cards. Thats okay. If you want, you can be a pokemon card badass. But you have to realize that that is a pretty small circle. To other pokemon card players you would be a badass, but to the rest of the world you would probably still be considered a pussy.

You see what I mean, its a very complicated system, and one that cannot be addressed in a single sitting. I look forward to giving more insight on this topic in next weeks post. Until then, I recommend watching "The Outlaw Josey Wales" with Clint Eastwood. TTFN.

Keytar News and Views - session 2

Eight things that make me happy....

1. Morningside Park
It's pretty much my backyard! and, yes... it has a waterfall!!

2. Billy Jealousy shaving cream.
the best shave EVER!

3. My new Refrigerator!!
Just arrived yesterday

4. Title of Show.
I saw this sublime Broadway show last night. It's about 2 guys writing a show about 2 guys writing a show. (And I saw NO ONE there in tank tops and flip flops!!)

5. Free kayaking on the Hudson River
DO IT!

6. Stevie Nicks Soundstage concert!
An excellent concert and proof that if you love what you are doing, you can rock out at any age -- even 60!

7. Xanadu
I saw this movie when i was 9. It was magic to me then. And it made me realize that designing record albums was a job you could have. 28 years later, i get the honor of designing the CD for it's Broadway counterpart:

8. Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog


....And three that make me NOT so happy:

1. People who ride their bicycles against the traffic. Just because you are NOT in a car doesn't mean you can ignore traffic rules (stop signs, road directions). C'mon, this is SO friggin dangerous. It creates havoc on the street. What if people drove their cars down the wrong side of the street without warning? It's kinda the same thing!

2. My Superintendent.
He rarely takes out the trash on garbage day, leaving weeks of garbage outside the apartment, attracting bugs and getting smelly. Uggh!

3. Car Alarms.
Does anybody really pay attention to these?? Or do they they just create unnecessary noise pollution. (i'm thinkin the later!)

johnny's manic mondays

Couldn't get into Santogold yesterday cause I was so late, but I heard she just played with a laptop.  I don't know if that's OK considering the album sounds like she has a pretty tight band. Not hating, but come on lady!  I love that album. Too hung over to possibly make this interesting and still dealing with lost wallet. I learned my lesson though.  Shit weekend until band practice. Our new song is so dope it hurts, listen up everybody, The johns are getting really good.  I feel like Britney today and for your delight, here's some crazy Brit Brit from the not so distant past. 

Thursdays - 7 inch of the week

Hey all. Jon here with the first installment of "7 Inch of the week." This weekly post will introduce you to a new 7 inch record each week (just one track), and explain to you why you should get off your ass and check it out. All of the records I suggest are, of course, in my personal collection, and I bought most of them when I was a fat loser in highschool with a record player and a basement full of instruments and nothing better to do. Most of them were bought at a cool punk/indie/hardcore record store, called Ultrasound Music, in Willoughby, Ohio (ironically "the johns" rehearsed at Ultrasounds Studios for the first 3 years of their career - generic name, or ironic coincidence?).

In any event, the 7 Inch of the Week is Alkaline Trio - Bye Bye Love. For those of you unfamiliar with Alkaline Trio (shame on you), this band started in Chicago in the late 90's. Current or former members of this band have also played with such bands as the Smoking Popes, Squirtgun, Slapstick, and Suicide Machines (all bands worth checking out), and current members have side proejcts by the names of Heavens and The Falcon. They also put on a kick ass concert at Irving Plaza in NYC last Saturday. The track Bye Bye Love, is, of course, a cover of the Car's hit track, and the seven inch, a split with the Blue Meanies (B-Side, "The Corpse"), was released in 2000 by Thick Records (a great Chicago Punk Rock label). It's an appropriate cover song for Alkaline Trio, a band encompassed in themes of death, suicide, and a general hatred of love (e.g. Their latest release, Agony and Irony, has a track entitled Love Love, Kiss Kiss, with a chrorus "Love Love, Kiss Kiss, Blah Blah Blah, you're making me sick..."). Check out Bye Bye Love on seven inch, or if you're an asshole without a record player, it's also available on iTunes. If you don't like it, I'll give you a buck.

Until next Thursday....

Don't Fear High Cost of Gas, and If You Got it, Flaunt it!

At first I was thinking of doing my post today about China, and how as Americans we should be getting used to the idea that we're about to be the little guy in the global economy. It made me sad for a moment because I love America and its a shame to think that we have nothing left of value to offer the world. Then I came across this post, If Heidi And Spencer Were A Comic Book, from the good folks at holytaco.com and that's when I remembered that we have reality-television!!! I've provided a taste below, but make sure you check out the full effect, very much worth it.
I can tell you, this realization picked me right up. Are you worried that our economy is screwed because we don't produce anything anymore? In fact, we are the Number 1 producer in the world of d-qq (pronounced double q) list celebrities. We out produce the next 5 countries of Britain, Japan, Brazil, Russia and France combined by over 1 Million percent*. Not only that, we also have the highest and richest concentration of celebrity stupidity found anywhere on the planet. So when you hear that gas prices are on the rise and families can't afford to buy food, you needn't worry your hot little face. As long as the Britney's of the world keep popping out kids, and flashing their nipples during the Superbowl, we'll land on our feet.

*estimate

Keytar News and Views

Hello johns universe!
It’s Derek, your friendly neighborhood keytar player.

I had the great pleasure of seeing 2 Broadway shows this weekend. While I’d love to ramble on about the shows i got to see, I’d rather mention something i’d like never to see again: BAD CLOTHES ON BROADWAY! By that i mean, theatre-goers dressed horribly inappropriately. There was a large contingent of people at the first show I saw wearing baggy old t-shirts, saggy khakis, or even worse -- track pants!! Folks these are NOT CLOTHES you wear to the theatre... these are clothes you do laundry in. It got worse at the second show, as I saw a few too many guys wearing tank tops, cargo shorts and flip flops. YUP! Flip-flops to the theatre! HELLO? These are not clothes you wear to the theatre, these are clothes you do your gardening in! Now, before i get accused of sounding pretentious or elitist, let me just back up a bit. The theatre as been around a LONG time (ancient Greece comes to mind... Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount was probably even quite theatrical.) The point is... theatre is for everyone: rich, poor, smart, dumb, young and old! But not even in Shakespeare’s time did anyone ever show up at the Globe Theatre in flip-flops and a tank-top. I’m not sure when the trouble started, i’d like to think it was the late 80s when baggy came into fashion, and even perhaps we can blame Wall-Mart for making sweatpants cheap and accessible to the masses. Whenever it all started going downhill, we need to stop this trend now! Have some respect folks!! C’mon... you are at a show ON Broadway IN New York City seeing live actors and musicians. That’s pretty damn special! Right?? So why degrade it by wearing the same thing you wore when you took a nap on the couch yesterday?? And I’m not saying i want everyone in tux and tails... but come on, wear something nice!! You dress up for a wedding, right? and why... perhaps out of respect for the people getting married? You have to dress up (somewhat) for Jury duty. Why? to show respect for the law . Well... hell! how about making trying show respect for the dozens of people who are putting on a show, working their asses off entertaining you. Even better: show some respect for yourself. You deserve it!! (I mean , you plopped down over $50 buck for these tickets!! times are tough and that’s a lot of dough.) if you start looking and dressing like you give a damn, it might be contagious. if you look like you took the time to put on something nice, then the other people at the theatre might realize they should do the same! and before you know it, going to the theatre might be an event for everyone to enjoy and dress up for. So come on... let’s work together to ban flip-flops, tank-tops and over-sized ratty old t-shirts from the theatre!! You never know what might come of this ...it could even start to reverse global warming!!(doubtful)

And speaking of the theatre, seeing the johns live is QUITE a theatrical event, so we want you to come out looking sharp and enjoy an evening with us and your fellow humans at the next johns show! until next week!
-DB

Johnny's Manic Mondays

Hi! Hi! out there! I'm new at this, go easy on me. Some things I'm pondering right now:

-The upcoming New Yorker cover w/ Barack and Michelle Obama as Jihadists : I think most often, and at this point, we are too dumb to digest satire and take it for what it is. It will only feed the D-U-M-B!

-When do I get to duet with Courtney Love? My boy wrote this song when he was like 5 that I think would be perfect. Someone call her it's soo good.

-Would my sister send me up a river like Madonna's brother and write a scandalous book about me? Probably and I hope so.

Next Monday I will write first thing in the morning when I still have a semi and am clear headed, right now the interns are making a lot of noise.

-Everyone should listen to Heaven's to Betsy's These Monster's Are Real 7 INCH. I'm sure you can get the mp3s.

My best girl was in in NYC from hometown this past weekend and we we rapping about how cool it used to be to buy a 7 inch from obscure bands and then go see them live. The Internet is so over saturated, it's hard to find good music by up and coming indie artists that are not being mulled over by internet campaigns from big labels . These girls still do it for me. 2 girls making a lot of noise is hot. xxxo.

McCain Mojo Make-Over?

"He may be old, white, old, and lack-luster, and the country is probably going to the toilet, but at least he's a little smarter than the last guy" Or, that's what we would have said if McCain were to win in November. That is, until we heard rumors that for his mojo make-over the senator began listening to fallout boy. Poor guy. I guess nobody warned him of the dangerous fallout boy related side effects, including: numbness of the brain and sexual organs as well as a high occurance of ugliness. Better luck next time big fella.

Happy Friday!

Painting Elephant or Republican Fatty ?

I'm sure you've probably heard about the amazing elephant that can paint pictures of other elephants. But is that really whats going on? Or is it yet another sinister plot by the GOP to perpetrate voter fraud? "Look how cute, a painting elephant! Look, he's going by the voting booths, ahh. Whoops his big gray trunk accidentally voted for John McCain!" Will you stop at nothing, Republicans?
Your favorite band, the johns, believe the person behind this insidious plot is probably Rush Limbagh, Newt Gingrich, or some other corpulent republican in a gray suit.

Next Week, The Brains of The Johns

I'm pleased to announce a brand new feature here on the johns universe that I know is gonna give you that special tingly feeling (like when you used to climb the rope in gym class!). Starting next week, your favorite band, the johns, will begin mind melding with you directly! Everyday you will be able to let the thoughts of a different member of the band stimulate you little mind. AMAZING! Will key-slinger Derek "D-roc" Bishop tell us about his uncontrollable potency and his HUGE keyboard? Will beat-master Jon "the dream" Ream talk about living under the constant hailstorm of unconfirmed rumors that he might be bi-curious?" We'll just have to wait and find out.

Get ready to have your mind blown! 

Go For the Gold Rocks!!!

Let me tell you something about this song. First of all, it rocks! It's full of so much tension that I don't even know what to do with myself while I'm listening to it. but you don't have to take my word for it...

Also, there are some rumors circulating about a possible collaboration between the johns and one of president Bush's daughters. We don't know which daughter, we don't know which of the johns, and we don't know exactly what they would be doing, but if we had to venture a guess it would be both, all of them, and getting busy! ROCK!!!

Back to Business

Happy 8th of july! I hope you got enough beer, hot dogs, fireworks and rain over the weekend, because its time to get down to business. The summer maybe heating up, but the johns are still cool, and are planning a new campaign of ROCK. If your around Williamsburg you'll probably see them working hard writing new songs.

The johns universe would also like to wish

a happy belated birthday to Jon Ream, I think he just turned 19.

Finally, A Rod? what's up with that wife of yours? does she not realize that doing Madonna is just a part, just a small part of being awesome? Also, I would be careful, you remember what happened to the last guy who did Madonna? He started making movies with Jean-Claude Van Damme, and you know that can't be good for your career.

Did You See The Video Yet!?!?!?

You've got two more chances:
Tomorrow @ noon,
Tomorrow @ 7pm.

Only on LOGO, so check your local listings! the johns ROCK!!!

Did you See SHAKE IT on LOGO...

Or did you miss it? if you did miss it, not to worry, you can catch it again on Wednesday, the 2nd at 7am, or Thursday 7/3 at 12 noon, and 7pm. You better watch it! (check your local listings)

The Johns and TBG Show CANCELLED!

Sorry Kiddies. Maybe next time.

The Johns & Tall Black Girls, 8/13 Bitches!

Hello my dear little kiddies! the johns are pleased to announce that they have entered into an agreement (possibly involving blood signed contracts) with the Tall Black Girls, to appear together in august for one night only.

Hmmm, Tall Black Girls? Isn't it true that they are, in fact, all white girls of varying heights? Quite the conundrum. Since we can say definitively that none of the band members are African Americans, we can only speculate as to the origins of the name. Currently, the leading theory, put forth by lead guitarist, Javier Quiroz, of the johns (who are amazingly awesome!), suggests that name refers not to the color of their skin, but to the content of their characters. That seems to imply that their souls (possibly their hearts, too) are black, which the johns feel is the girls' best feature. As of today, no plausible explanation exists that can account for the height discrepancy.

If you're cruisin around the web (which you probably are), please please PLEASE, go and have a look-see at Verne Troyer's sex tape, and tell us what you think. Tune in tomorrow for a full report.

Don't Send an Italian to do THE JOHNS' Work!

Dear Ann,
Shhhh(imagine the firm, reassuring finger of the johns pressing against your trembling lips), don't cry.

Even though you may be a little sad about it, or maybe even kind of annoyed, the johns are emphatically delighted by the fact that the eye-talian no-goodnik you used to date (who we never really trusted anyway), will soon be in jail. the johns realize that these transitional periods can be very taxing and in order to keep your sweet little face from worrying too much, the boys would like to offer you their collective romantic services. That's right Ann, just for you: five devoted, sensitive, lovers who would never defraud people out of their money by alleging links to the Vatican. And they're all here just for you! Here for you when you need somebody to lean on; here for you when you know you need somebody you can trust to ROCK your sweet little face off.

Ann, I know what you might be thinking: how would this relationship ever work given the mixed sexual preferences involved(see below)*? Well, the johns would just like to remind you that it probably wouldn't be that big of a change since (supposedly) Europeans are all half gay anyway.

xoxo

p.s. Watch the johns in their new video, shake it!, when it premiers Sunday, June 29th, on LOGO.

*although it has been alleged that some members of the johns may be bi-curious, to this day no definitive evidence exists either way on the sexual preference of the johns

**photo: Getty Images

the johns, Amazing!

Dearest kiddies,
For those of you in attendance at Mercury Lounge Sunday night, who experienced the full glory of the johns, you know, you were there.

For all the rest of you (shakes head) well, sadly, I am at a loss. How could mere words describe the greatest show by the greatest band of all time? It's taken me a day and a half just to recover the enough from rock-gasm to hold a pen. And I've had my the johns-cherry popped! O, how I envy those the johns-virgins who after witnessing the glory for the first time, will most likely spend the next week half dead in a coma of ROCK-ecstasy.

Are you sad you missed the show? Were you too lame, or too ugly? Well, you still have a chance to catch the johns hit video Shake it when it airs Sunday, June 29th on LOGO (check your local listings)

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

THE JOHNS
SHAKE IT
MERCURY LOUNGE
JUNE 22
9:30 pm
BE THERE

The Johns Are Amazing! So Shake IT!!!

Hello kiddies. Its Thursday, and I love you all. I was recently listening to shake it, by New York's hottest band, the johns. You know, shake it!, the contemporary musical masterpiece that inspired the talented, up and coming director/producer Aaron Brookner to create an amazing piece of cinematic expression. Well kiddies, as I contemplated the beauty of the music, and the hotness that is the johns, it brought a tear to my eye to think that there can be only one premier. Only once can we experience that sweet joy and excitement as we eagerly await the moment that we know in our hearts will make all of our dreams come true. And afterwards as we watch and listen again and again and again, because it is so awesome, a part of us will be sad that we cannot go back, that we will never again feel that rush as we did the first time.

And that is why, dear kiddies, you must go to the mercury lounge on June 22nd for the one in a lifetime premier of shake it! Experience the glory. Come for the sake of your puny little minds. they must be blown! They will be blown!

New Study Finds The Johns Very Potent

As many of you kiddies out there are already aware of, there are a number of unique phenomena that are associated with proximity to the johns. We have had a first hand look at the amazing hotness boost, and how it directly effects attractiveness of the johns. We also know that the surgeon general has issued several warnings about the tingling sensations that can occur in the groin region while approaching a member of the johns. But we've just heard an unconfirmed rumor that the AMA will be publishing a report tomorrow with some astonishing findings. According to that document (which was leaked to us through very reputable channels) while listening to the johns, there is an 300% higher chance of getting knocked up for couples being intimate (you know, doing the nasty!) and there is 1000% higher chance of spontaneous pregnancy. Furthermore, the document goes on to link the almost supernatural potency of the johns to the increasing teen pregnancy rates, as well as the pregnant man! Derek "d-roc" Bishop, who we believe to be the one responsible for the pregnant man apologized for momentarily losing control of his potency and unwittingly perverting the laws of nature. The pregnant man was unavailable for comment.

The AMA also says that there is no sure way to totally guard against the potency of the johns, there are some steps you can take to avoid awkward situations. One of the things you can do is to avoid listening to the johns when you're about to be intimate. The pull out method however, --turning off the johns hit cd the johns wanna dance at the last minute-- has been found to be ineffective. For best results, the johns recommend listening to fall out boy, which will probably prevent you from doing it in the first place.

To experience the full potency of the joins, first hand, take your birth control pills and come to mercury lounge, June 22nd. There you will witness the premier of the amazing music video, shake it!