Did you See SHAKE IT on LOGO...

Or did you miss it? if you did miss it, not to worry, you can catch it again on Wednesday, the 2nd at 7am, or Thursday 7/3 at 12 noon, and 7pm. You better watch it! (check your local listings)

The Johns and TBG Show CANCELLED!

Sorry Kiddies. Maybe next time.

The Johns & Tall Black Girls, 8/13 Bitches!

Hello my dear little kiddies! the johns are pleased to announce that they have entered into an agreement (possibly involving blood signed contracts) with the Tall Black Girls, to appear together in august for one night only.

Hmmm, Tall Black Girls? Isn't it true that they are, in fact, all white girls of varying heights? Quite the conundrum. Since we can say definitively that none of the band members are African Americans, we can only speculate as to the origins of the name. Currently, the leading theory, put forth by lead guitarist, Javier Quiroz, of the johns (who are amazingly awesome!), suggests that name refers not to the color of their skin, but to the content of their characters. That seems to imply that their souls (possibly their hearts, too) are black, which the johns feel is the girls' best feature. As of today, no plausible explanation exists that can account for the height discrepancy.

If you're cruisin around the web (which you probably are), please please PLEASE, go and have a look-see at Verne Troyer's sex tape, and tell us what you think. Tune in tomorrow for a full report.

Don't Send an Italian to do THE JOHNS' Work!

Dear Ann,
Shhhh(imagine the firm, reassuring finger of the johns pressing against your trembling lips), don't cry.

Even though you may be a little sad about it, or maybe even kind of annoyed, the johns are emphatically delighted by the fact that the eye-talian no-goodnik you used to date (who we never really trusted anyway), will soon be in jail. the johns realize that these transitional periods can be very taxing and in order to keep your sweet little face from worrying too much, the boys would like to offer you their collective romantic services. That's right Ann, just for you: five devoted, sensitive, lovers who would never defraud people out of their money by alleging links to the Vatican. And they're all here just for you! Here for you when you need somebody to lean on; here for you when you know you need somebody you can trust to ROCK your sweet little face off.

Ann, I know what you might be thinking: how would this relationship ever work given the mixed sexual preferences involved(see below)*? Well, the johns would just like to remind you that it probably wouldn't be that big of a change since (supposedly) Europeans are all half gay anyway.

xoxo

p.s. Watch the johns in their new video, shake it!, when it premiers Sunday, June 29th, on LOGO.

*although it has been alleged that some members of the johns may be bi-curious, to this day no definitive evidence exists either way on the sexual preference of the johns

**photo: Getty Images

the johns, Amazing!

Dearest kiddies,
For those of you in attendance at Mercury Lounge Sunday night, who experienced the full glory of the johns, you know, you were there.

For all the rest of you (shakes head) well, sadly, I am at a loss. How could mere words describe the greatest show by the greatest band of all time? It's taken me a day and a half just to recover the enough from rock-gasm to hold a pen. And I've had my the johns-cherry popped! O, how I envy those the johns-virgins who after witnessing the glory for the first time, will most likely spend the next week half dead in a coma of ROCK-ecstasy.

Are you sad you missed the show? Were you too lame, or too ugly? Well, you still have a chance to catch the johns hit video Shake it when it airs Sunday, June 29th on LOGO (check your local listings)

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

THE JOHNS
SHAKE IT
MERCURY LOUNGE
JUNE 22
9:30 pm
BE THERE

The Johns Are Amazing! So Shake IT!!!

Hello kiddies. Its Thursday, and I love you all. I was recently listening to shake it, by New York's hottest band, the johns. You know, shake it!, the contemporary musical masterpiece that inspired the talented, up and coming director/producer Aaron Brookner to create an amazing piece of cinematic expression. Well kiddies, as I contemplated the beauty of the music, and the hotness that is the johns, it brought a tear to my eye to think that there can be only one premier. Only once can we experience that sweet joy and excitement as we eagerly await the moment that we know in our hearts will make all of our dreams come true. And afterwards as we watch and listen again and again and again, because it is so awesome, a part of us will be sad that we cannot go back, that we will never again feel that rush as we did the first time.

And that is why, dear kiddies, you must go to the mercury lounge on June 22nd for the one in a lifetime premier of shake it! Experience the glory. Come for the sake of your puny little minds. they must be blown! They will be blown!

New Study Finds The Johns Very Potent

As many of you kiddies out there are already aware of, there are a number of unique phenomena that are associated with proximity to the johns. We have had a first hand look at the amazing hotness boost, and how it directly effects attractiveness of the johns. We also know that the surgeon general has issued several warnings about the tingling sensations that can occur in the groin region while approaching a member of the johns. But we've just heard an unconfirmed rumor that the AMA will be publishing a report tomorrow with some astonishing findings. According to that document (which was leaked to us through very reputable channels) while listening to the johns, there is an 300% higher chance of getting knocked up for couples being intimate (you know, doing the nasty!) and there is 1000% higher chance of spontaneous pregnancy. Furthermore, the document goes on to link the almost supernatural potency of the johns to the increasing teen pregnancy rates, as well as the pregnant man! Derek "d-roc" Bishop, who we believe to be the one responsible for the pregnant man apologized for momentarily losing control of his potency and unwittingly perverting the laws of nature. The pregnant man was unavailable for comment.

The AMA also says that there is no sure way to totally guard against the potency of the johns, there are some steps you can take to avoid awkward situations. One of the things you can do is to avoid listening to the johns when you're about to be intimate. The pull out method however, --turning off the johns hit cd the johns wanna dance at the last minute-- has been found to be ineffective. For best results, the johns recommend listening to fall out boy, which will probably prevent you from doing it in the first place.

To experience the full potency of the joins, first hand, take your birth control pills and come to mercury lounge, June 22nd. There you will witness the premier of the amazing music video, shake it!

Come to the show, Angelina!

Dear Angelina,

the johns fondly remember the amazing way you used to french-kiss your brother at the Oscars, and carry around a vile full of man-blood that you wore around your neck. What happened to those good old days? It seems like the only thing we ever hear about you these days is that your either popping out another kid, or adopting a brown baby. Did that pussy, Brad Pitt, suck the fun out of your soul? What ever happened to those good, sweet old days when you would take your shirt off and it was awesome, like in "Hackers?" or when you were a lesbian and naked all the time, like in Gia? Or when we would read about your tattoos and how you love knives. I guess what we're trying to say is that we miss you, and love you.

Anyway, Angelina, if you want to do something super AWESOME!, this Sunday, June 22, you should come by the Mercury Lounge. the johns are playing a kick ass show to premier their music video shake it and they would be delighted to have you in attendance. (You can bring Brad if you want, but we'll probably try to punch and or make out with him)

So Long, Tim :(

Tim Russert is Dead! Tim Russert is Dead?! What kind of a world is this? I really liked that guy --- obviously not as much as I like New York's hottest band, the johns, but even so. Such a tragedy. Such a sad, sad, tragedy. Here was a man who could just severely OWN politicians asses. And for him to die now, at a time when things are just starting to heat up in the race for the presidency, just when we need a pundit of his caliber the most. Its a sad day for the news, for America and the world. In fact, on a day like today, there's really only one thing to do. Take off all your clothes, put on your favorite song off the johns hit CD, THE JOHNS WANNA DANCE, and let the music pour over you like a waterfall of emotion, comforting your naked body like the blanket you had as a child.

You will experience this and other wonderful emotions when you come to the mercury lounge on June 22nd to be a part of the johns video release extravaganza.

Introducing The Johns R&D

CNN has a poll of polls with Obama ahead of McCain. One of our favorite thing about polls is that they are so fascinating. All that statistical analysis can really be fun (if you re a math geek). As a public service the johns universe will be publishing a series of polls conducted by the research and development branch of your favorite band, the johns. the first bit of research covers an issue that we touched upon briefly in an earlier post: which of the candidates would you rather make out with? (click here to participate in the study)

Our preliminary data shows that as of today they are dead even. An interesting thing to note is that among those who took our survey, Obama had a high rate among both men who picked him to make out with, while McCain has a higher rating among those who marked other. (click on images for larger view)Just to put this survey into context, we've included some demographic data. Of those who took the survey 13% felt the johns gave them a tingling sensation in the genitals from while 80% get an acute throbing.Come to the mercury lounge on Sunday, June 22, for the premier of shake it to find how the johns make your genitals feel.

please note: all data shown above has margin for error +/- 100

Meet The Johns: Jamie King part I

Born in a small shack somewhere in the dense forest wastelands of Washington State, Jamie king, master bassist for the amazing band, the johns, spent his formative early childhood years hanging out with hippies. His love for unwashed, un-groomed, hippies (who smell of feet) continues to this day. But we won't hold that against him, (or his dirty hippie friends), because whatever it was that did it, something from his humble origins produced in Jamie King one of the greatest bassists to ever live. Possibly the greatest.
Jamie transplanted from Washington State to NYC to study acting at NYU. He has performed in many plays in the city including a recent one where he portrayed a gay dude in college (uh oh, it looks like Jon Ream's not the only one who may or may not be bi-curious. Don't you worry, we'll get to the bottom of this!). Jamie also briefly tried his hand at a comedy. Unfortunately for Jamie, he wasn't very funny, so, fortunately for everyone else, he decided to retire from stand-up.
One thing about Jamie that not too many people know, is that by himself Jamie King may not be hotter than Jamie King (as can be seen in the photograph).However, after joining the johns his attractiveness was dramatically increased. Because, as we all know, the hotness of the johns is like a million hot little suns all burning in your pants (in the good way, not in the you've been hanging out in the wrong neighborhood kinda way), and nothing else in the universe can compare with them in hotness or in awesomeness. Due to this boost Jamie king barely edges out Jamie king, but should still probably do some push ups.

Come to the mercury lounge on Sunday, June 22, for the premier of shake it to witness the johns hotness boost first hand.

You Love The Johns!

Top Ten reasons why you should attend the amazing video release party for the shake it at the mercury lounge
10. the johns are all very attractive and you might learn something about that.
9. everybody loves music videos and everybody loves the johns (except for ugly people, but the johns hate them anyway)
8. the johns will be unleashing new songs that will blow your mind.
7. the johns favor world peace, but love bar fights
6. the johns music guaranteed to cure boredom and possibly induce pleasure seizures
5. proximity to the johns will make you cooler
4. all your friends are doing the johns
3. the surgeon general warns that common side effects of the johns include a tingling of the genitals
2. the johns very handsome (worth mentioning twice)
1. johns show the best place to pick up a hunky-junky

Be there or on Sunday, June 22nd, or get punched in the face!

Shake It Video Release Party Announced!!!

Yeah!!! What are you doing on June 22nd? If you answered anything other than going to Mercury Lounge to be a part of the awesome spectacle of the johns Music Video Release Party, I'm going to come over to your house, punch you in the face and drag you to the show. More details to come on this bad-boy. It is rumored that the band, Aerosmith may play the opening set. So far, the plan for the evening goes something like this:

1. Everyone comes and parties and generally bathe in the glory that is the johns.
2. Opening band (to be disclosed later) pays homage to the johns by playing a set introducing the johns, who are amazing.
3. The Music Video of Shake it is played and all rejoice at the synergistic masterpiece of film and music.
4. the johns shower the crowd with their ROCK-juice, probably inducing orgasms (as usual).
5. Everyone continues to party, soaked in ROCK-juice.

Following the party on Sunday night, the Video will air on LOGO. If you want to be a part of history, then you better be there. It is a very exclusive party. You are definitely invited, but your ugly friend is not.

*Unconfirmed rumor. Aerosmith most likely not opening.

Obama/Clinton Make-Out Sess Looms Nigh

Its Friday kiddies, and I know you ain't got sh*t to do. I don't know about you, but the johns are really excited about this whole situation with the Democratic ticket. According to this CNN poll,a lot of democrats want Obama and Clinton to be running mates, but I think that it's really clear from the picture (left) that it won't just stop there. I mean, just look at that! They're totally going to make out. And I, for one, believe it's probably the best possible thing for the Democrats. I mean Barack is an attractive young man. And he's so clean too! Hillary is a little matronly, yes. But check out this picture I found on the internet:
She was once kind've a hottie! And that counts for a lot in my book. I'd gladly make out with either one of them.

McCain on the other hand, he's like a grandpa. Who wants to make out with a grandpa? This definitely gives the Democrats the edge. I'd like to see some polling data on that one.

A Matter of Taste, and The New HQ

Hello kiddies!
the boys have shown time and again how awesome they are and how easily they rock all your hot faces off. But did you also know that they are scientific geniuses as well? I'll explain. It is a well known fact that the brain is the largest erogenous zone and as the erogenous zones on the johns are larger than average, the art of thinking ranks naturally high among their many skills. Since the johns want to use their enormous brains to explore those mysteries of the universe that will have highest impact to better life for all humanity, it is no surprise then that their scientific inquiry naturally turned to the question of sluts vs. skanks. Historically it has been believed that the differences between sluts and skanks were so small that it would be virtually impossible to tell them apart, even in a laboratory. But that has all changed. Thanks to the johns recent pioneering work and experimental research we can now say definitively that sluts are better in bed, while skanks are more likely to be picked up at bus stations. I know what you're asking "well thats great, but which one should I go for?" the boys feel that is a decision best left to individual tastes.


If you're going to be hanging around North 8th st and Bedford you will probably see the boys kicking it at their brand new rehearsal space. The Tall Black Girls were nice enough to kick out the lame ass band that was sharing the space with them. the johns will be there tonight, using their power to create that magical something that gives all you kiddies that special feeling. You know, like the one you get while climbing the rope in gym class.

Clinton in Trouble, Obama Smug, McCain Ugly

It looks like Hillary has got some tough choices ahead of her. What do you think she should do? Should she stick around and play second fiddle to Obama? Do you think that will increase his chances of beating McCain? But what if Obama loses? Will that make Hillary a big fat loser by proxy? She could kiss goodbye hopes of running in 2012, after that. But what if she's offered the vice presidency and then Obama wins? It's a big conundrum, and not a decision I would want to make. I guess she said she was going to consult with party leaders and do what was best for the party and for America.

If I was Hillary, I would probably accept the VP if proffered. On the other hand, if I was Obama, I probably wouldn't offer her the spot, because she fights dirty. But, if I was Obama, maybe I like that she's a dirty fighter. Maybe the Democrats need some dirty fighting if they want any hope of winning. So if I was Obama, maybe I would ask her to be my running mate. I can just see it now, Clinton and Obama hand and hand at the Democratic National Convention. Maybe, if we're really lucky, they'll make out a little.

Fun With the Fan Mail

Hello kiddies. As promised, here are a couple letters from our adoring fans:

dear the johns,
I think your are so amazing. I was recently looking at some pictures of you on your website, thejohnsnyc.com, and I noticed that you guys are super cool. All the kids in my school make fun of me for being such a dweeb, and I was wondering if you had any advice about this? How can I be cool like you so I wont get picked on for being such a big dweeb?

Tim-Tim
Florida

Well little Tim-Tim, thats an excellent question. a lot of people have been trying to figure that one out, and sometimes it seems hard to really pin down that illusive quality that makes some people cool, and others total dweebs. The first thing that we would like to suggest you do is to spend some money on some new clothes. don't buy that usual shit you've been wearing. the best thing to do is to create a new, cool persona for yourself and dress like that person. Did you ever see fight club? do you remember when tyler durden disapears for a while and the main character is figuring stuff out, and then tyler returns with brand new accessories? thats what you've got to do. get yourself some new accessories. and probably a haircut wouldn't kill you.

dear the johns,
you're all so attractive. every time I look at you or listen to your songs i start to get these strange, warm feelings. it makes me want to do things for you. I was just wondering if you have any openings on your staff.

Kimberly
Missouri

Thank you for asking that, Kimberly. In fact, we are indeed looking to fill a number of positions on our traveling staff. Please send us a picture of yourself, and links to any websites that you may be featured on, we will send you a fifteen questionnaire (to help us get to know you better). we encourage high school seniors to apply, so If any of your little friends would also like to be considered, please be sure that they are over 18 years old (but not by too much, obviously).

If you would like your letter to be featured on the johns universe, send us gifts. we like gifts.

bye.

Jon Ream Phone Booth Scandal A Hoax! Ream family takes breath of relief

Here at the johns universe, we are committed to the truth. We are committed to discovering the truth. We are committed to reporting the truth to all of our loyal kiddy admirers. We take great pride in our diligence at following the thread of truth into whatever dark and dangerous places it leads. Unfortunately, on occasion that twisting path of truth leads us into murky gray areas where we are beset on all sides by the forces of lies and obfuscation. Often times in those situations we find ourselves jumping at shadows and grasping at half truths and illusions, anything that could help us make sense of this oft wicked and weary world. Such is the case with our previous post. The good news kiddies, is that the truth will always shine like a beacon of hope and eventually grant us illumination. Thanks to the dedicated efforts of our staff we can expose that vicious rumor about a member of our beloved band and a phone booth as just that: ugly malicious falsehood. Furthermore we are delighted to report that through a combined technique of water-boarding and Chinese tickle-torture the criminally deviant informant that brought the rumor to our attention in the first place has spilled his lousy guts. We now believe that he was watching the film Phone Booth (2002), starring Colin Farrell, when Jon Ream happened to call him, and that there was only one person in the phone booth, and if there was another person that it was probably Keifer Sutherland all along. Both Colin Farrell and Keifer Sutherland were unavailable for comment.

So, in the interest of clarity and complete frankness, with the truth our ultimate goal, let us say right here and now for the record that Jon Ream has never, to our knowledge, been in a phone booth with another man. We know this will come as great relief to the Ream family (especially Jon Ream's mother) and our humblest sympathy and support goes out to the honorable House of Ream that can now breath easy, free of the weight of this unfortunate ignominy. One can only admire the poise with which they weathered this trying period under the public eye.

Join us tomorrow as we read fan mail!