Summer Funner While There's Still Time

Since D-roc is about to be an uncle, he won't be writing to tell us all about how awesome his new fridge is today, so I thought I'd cover for him. So I'd thought I'd share with the top five things the johns like to do in the summer. As we all know, time's running out on summer 2008, but there's still time to get in those last couple shots (if you catch my drift).

So here they are, the johns top 5 summer activities:

5. Drink Sparks!
Often compared to the bubbling concoction of pure liquid evil that turned square old Dr Jekyll into a descent party dude, sparks is the fastest way to black out and then come-to on the streets of Philadelphia babbling incoherently! If a picture is worth a thousand words, a can of sparks is worth a thousand middle fingers to your friends.

4. Pick a fight.
You don't have to punch somebody in the face (although, it can be very fun), but even the simplest verbal altercations can be just the ticket when it comes to squeezing some juice out of that boring day. Try it on a friend or loved one!

3. Leave town.
Just go. Shhhh-- don't cry.

2. Make people on the subway uncomfortable.
Maybe they're just coming home after a long day. Maybe they're getting ready for a night on the town. Nothing beats that look they get when you stand too close to them, and do something wildly inappropriate.

1. ROCK!
'nough said.

Manic Mondays

Feeling like an angry 15 year old!

I love this wack ass country! But I have some questions:

-Why does everyone have to dress like shit? By in large. Fat babies in pajamas!

-Why do we need to convince people McCain is so bad? (And what the fuck is Angelina's damage, "I don't know who I like yet", ASSHOLE!)

-Why do we not revere people who make it and stay on top? (The Clintons, Madonna, etc.)

-Why don't reporters here ask the burning questions?

-Why is high fructose corn syrup legal?

-Why encourage everyone to go to college?

-Why is pot illegal?

-Why is travel 50% more in the summer?

-Why do we fall for it?

BJORK SAYS:

Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Start your own currency!Make your own stampProtect your languageDeclare independenceDon't let them do that to youDeclare independenceDon't let them do that to you[x4] Make your own flag![x6] Raise your flag!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Damn colonistsIgnore their patronizingTear off their blindfoldsOpen their eyesDeclare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!With a flag and a trumpetGo to the top of your highest mountain![x6] Raise your flag!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Declare independence!Don't let them do that to you!Raise the flag!

Badass Howto: Part III

I've been talking with you about what it takes to be a badass. I've warned you of the tight rope that this path can be, knowing always that you walk a fine line between asshole and douche bag. However, there comes a point when you may do something so great that your legendary status will be guaranteed for all time. Once you reach this level, no matter what you do, your name will no longer be spoken, but whispered with awe and envy and fear.

I'm not sure if your mind is ready to handle the magnitude this concept, but I've recently been inspired by the XXIX Olympiad, so I decided to share my thoughts on the subject. These are really the defining moments that separate the badasses from the losers (and the assholes and douches, of course!). Let me give you an example, that actually hits all of our points quite nicely:

The day: Sunday, August 10th, 2008. The place: the water cube, Beijing China. The French 4x100 freestyle relay team, lead by Alain Bernard is considered the best in the world. This is what sets the stage for that defining moment I'm talking about. The Frenchies, although they are considered the best and hold the record, start talking shit. 

"The americans, we're going to smash them. that's what we came here for."

by saying this we can see that Bernard, despite his skill and ability, has clearly fallen off the path of the badass, and become an asshole. And what happens? Along comes 32 year old Jason Lezak, who never rises to the frenchie's insults, and beats him in one of the greatest races of all time. The outcome of the race not only instantly propels Jason Lezac forever into the status of badass, but it also has the additional effect of changing Alain Bernard's status from asshole to douche-bag/loser (if he had won he would have retained his asshole status).

The moral of the story is this: don't talk trash and then lose, you douche-bag! Here endeth the lesson.

Johnny's Manic Mondays

What started out just another Manic Monday is now sunny and in full swing!  I'm leaving for Stockholm in a few hours.  Just recovered from Thursday into Friday into Saturday bender. AND HERE'S A TIP: When your still reeling, do something productive.  After staying up all night from practice to party, to Motor City to after party to street dancing, I stood in line for the new iPhone because every line needs a hunky junkie and because I wanted the damn phone, I love it so much I wanna fuck it. HERE'S ANOTHER TIP: Always give your favorite bartender your extra rave stash=free tequila sunrises all night and nothing but trust when they are wielding a knife around your neck.  

So from time to time I check out this place that is devoted to meditating on World Peace.  I know, I'm a walking contradiction and that's how I like it.  But I have some questions regarding Buddhism: Punk-rock and Buddhist?  Yeah!  Fuck FUCK YEAH! someone like Ms. Michelle help me please with this query:  What to do if bugs are eating your house, exterminator?  etc...?  This is so not Buddhist but what do you do, give in and let them eat your house.  Everything else makes perfect sense.  

Party Like It's 1899!

Hello, I thought I'd take a break this week from explaining what it takes to be a badass (and why you are not one), to discuss something that I know you are very interested in: Absinthe! Yeah, get ready to cut your ear off baby! So, I was cruising digg.com (something that I highly recommend), when i came across this tidbit from wired. That's right, after being banned in the states and many European countries since 1900, the green fairy is legal and ready to mess up your face. (its actually been available since last year, but that doesn't make it any less good!)

In fact I can remember a couple occasions when my face was definitely seriously messed up by this stuff. The first time happened at the good old Beta Psi chapter of Sigma Nu, where myself and several of my esteemed collegiate associates formed a crack team devoted to none other than libation investigation. We managed to collect a fair amount of data on a number of potent beverages. Unfortunately, since our data was mostly anecdotal, our findings were never published. But I have no problem providing a brief description of our absinthe experience. As one of my colleagues put it:

"We found ourselves in a remarkably altered state of consciousness, where time and space began to lose their meanings. And together we drifted through a green fog. Also, we were piss-assed drunk."*

What fun!

As we all know, getting piss-assed drunk has both its ups and downs, and the johns condone both. The thing that makes absinthe so good, even though it may bamboozle your wits enough to think that the best way to get your GF back is to lop off parts of your body and send them to her, is that it has a ritual. You take a sugar cube and a fork and light things on fire and its awesome! What our exhaustive study suggested is that, while just plain drinking is pretty fun, getting drunk lighting things on fire, is SUPER fun, and I highly recommend it.

So the next time you're out, and you feel like going all the way, please think of me, Van Gogh, and the green fairy (in that order), and go for it! Here are some place that will help get there.

* I don't know who said that, we were wasted!

Manic Mondays and BIG GAY TUESDAYS

Hi Hi! Im a DJ!

It's late, I know. Fuck you.

The johns are really on fire right now, I didn't have time for anything the past couple of days, neither did Derek so I am writing for two.

We have a new manager that is badass and who gives a what, so that's great.

We are recording a new EP/7inch/something, so that's dope! Definite departure from the other stuff. More dance and crazy. The guy we are "this close" to working with described the anticipated sound as unapologetic...with dance beats. There's really no kind of music better than that if you think about.

Why am I a Dj? Because everybody is a Dj, right, especially if you are in a sexy band...so, check!

The guys from Chromeo and Bloc Party and The Virgins are playing records ( I hope, I mean everyone has a decent playlist on their IPOD, but playing records is the way, especially techo, I'm going be a techo-DJ, you'll see) on Thursday. RSVP here: http://www.uptheantics.com/preapwbashrsvp I will be there. We should make out.

I will be posting from Stockholm next week, so if any of you have anything cool for me to do there or stuff to check out, hit me. You know where to find me. xxxo.