7 Inch of the WEEK

Okay Lady's and Gent's. As you all now, every week I tell you all about one track (and usually more) on a 7-Inch record that you need to check out. This week's 7-Inch track is Scared of Chaka - Shaolin. First, a little history on the band. Scared of Chaka is a garage band from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Now...I know what you're thinking. Can a band from New Mexico really be good? Well...think about it. There's really nothing to do in New Mexico...so you either become really good at Magic the Gathering, like our friend Tim-Tim, or you get together with a group of your buddies and rock your asses off. Scared of Chaka chose the latter. So, these guys started playing in the early 90's and have this amazing garage-sound that is only attained by cheap recordings in a hot basement (or garage). The lead singer/guitarist, Dave Hernandez, later went on to be the Bass player for the now-popular (but kind of lame live) band "The Shins." In fact, the other band on this 7-Inch, Flake Music, went on to break up, and form The Shins without Hernandez, and in 2003, after their bass player left, added Dave Hernandez as their full-time Bass Player. Pretty cool, right? Maybe it was this 7-Inch that created the bond that would later lead to the rock-connection. Or maybe there were only 10 guys in Albuquerque who could play music. Who knows?

So, on this 7-Inch, which was released in 1997 on 702 Records, both bands cover one song of the other band, and compose one original track of their own. Scared of Chaka's original "Shaolin" is for the A.D.D. child in all of us. Its a rocker, but only just over 2 minutes long. Check it out, its a cool track! This 7-inch is also printed on Orange Translucent Vinyl...so its really cool. Unfortunately, as indicated by the 702 records site the record is out of print and not available. But, if you can find the original at a used record shop..its really cool looking, and a collector's item...especially for all of you die-hard Shins fans out there (of which I am not, which makes me even more satisfied to know I own this record).

Also, Flake Music's original track on the split is entitled "The Shins" (holy crap this is getting weird!) Hmm...real original guys, form a new band, and name it after one of your old songs. Maybe the johns should form a new band and call it D.U.M.B. In the words of Johnny P....."NAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Anyway, Scared of Chaka is doing a mini reunion tour this September culminating in a show at the Forward Music Fest in Madison, Wisconsin on September 20th. From Albuquerque to Wisconsin...wow! Bring your parkas!!

Badass Howto: part II

Assemble your crew

Some, like myself and the other members of my kickass band, the johns, are born badassess, and it is both a blessing and a curse. For others, becoming a badass is an ongoing process. You will not just wake up one day, and be a badass. Rather, over the course of time you MAY find yourself in situations in which you will do some badass things that go on to become the stuff of legends.

A crucial step you must take while on the path of the badass, is to make the commitment to always back up your crew. This choice can sometimes get you into some hairy situations. For expample, going back The Outlaw Josey Wales, when his friends were captured by Ten-Bears, he rode in all alone, to get them back. As we know from the chief, he wasn't expecting to return, but he went anyway. For him, the choice of facing certain death for his friends was simple: there was no choice. Not many people have the intestinal fortitude for that sort of commitment, but for those select few, the title of badass awaits.

Backing up your crew, no matter what is important, but to the badass, the crew can also serve as a litmus test. While on the path, with the danger of becoming an asshole on one side, and a total douche-bag on the other a badass will need to check his/her progress. If for example you find yourself facing a horde of angry drunks, and you look behind you to find yourself all alone, you have gone over to the side of the assholes. If on the other hand, you find yourself with a group of people who are more like accessories than friends, who you would gladly sell at not only the first sign of trouble, but also the first hint that you could be hanging out with somebody "cooler," then you my friend, are a douchebag.

For further study I recommend Alexander Dumass' The Three Musketeers. Until next week, regard every smile as an insult, and every laugh as a challenge.

My Keyboard kicks your keyboard's ass!!

As a member of the johns, I get asked often*, “you all have such a cool fresh sound, how on earth can I replicate it?” Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my answer is always “Sorry, (insert fan’s name here)…You can’t!” (However, before dashing said fan’s hopes and dreams, I first thank the fan for their nice words.)

Nope, what makes our sound cool and dope is our original & exclusive punk/disco hybrid brand of rock and roll…that and the 5 awesome dudes** which comprise the johns.

But I can give you a little insight into some of our music making secrets... or rather, some history on some of the instruments used within the johns’ compound***

The johns use past, present and future experiences for our killer song writing. Think of us as a time machine of musical influences. Our current sound is most definitely the future of music. You will be dancing to our tunes for eons (long after you die and your corpse rots and decomposes) -- so just accept that the johns are here to rule your world! However, we also use tools from the past to create our killer tunes****.

And today I would like to share with you one of those tools:
The Wurlitzer Electric Piano.

The Wurly is a rock and roll staple. It’s been around since 1955! Silly synths bow down to it’s formidable history, it’s hard biting bark of a sound, and the fact that it weighs a ton. The guts of one of these monsters looks like a grand piano (complete with wood and red felt) married to an old transistor radio (wires and knobs and electricity!) All that equals massive coolness… and with the johns, you should expect nothing less.

Click here to take a look/listen at some of the Wurly’s most famous past rock songs:

And then take a listen to how the wurly helps to create johns’ musical magic:
http://www.thejohnsnyc.com/music.html

You’ll notice the Wurly 200A playing in both THE ONE, and the chorus of WANNA DANCE. And the über cool ancient WURLY 145 playing during the “clap break” of our most recent video hit, SHAKE IT.

And that my friends and fans is just a smidgen of some of the secrets of the johns’ music magic. Now that you all are quivering with excitement,.. I must say goodbye.

Derek

*on average 3 times a day, when out in public without a mask on

**some more awesome than others

**the johns’ compound is neither dangerous or cultish…unless you want to be. In that case please email us ASAP.

****the johns’ music is really not deadly, unless you were decapitated by a fiercely spinning CD.

Johnny's Manic Mondays

I'm sick...please forgive me for the short post. We are rumbling about doing a new EP/7 inch. Our last album was like having an ugly kid. They have their charming ways about them, they are good for a laugh, they show promise, they can only get better with time, etc... Now the thought of making a new one FUCK YEAH! and with the people we might be working with...that's like banging Angelina and having her harbor your genius. I think our debut had a lot of really great songs on it, and even a few good recordings, but I can't wait to do it right, right, right!? One "producer"we worked with before, only to be referred to as D-D-D-D-douche! was like putting your privates in a blender and hoping for the best.

In the meantime, stalk us, hunt us down, and we might even let you into band practice or at least kiss your face. Even if it's face above, cause I think you're sexy no matter what.

xxxo.

7 Inch of the Week

Well...we're back again, for another edition of 7 Inch of the Week. For those of you unfamiliar with this weekly account...it's easy. 1) I give 1 track off of a seven inch that you should check out, and 2) You go out and buy it and listen to it. Or, more likely1) I give you 1 track off of a seven inch that you should check out and 2) You buy the track on itunes. LAME. Anyway, this week's lucky winner is The Figgs - "Let's Get Arrested"

If you're unfamiliar with "The Figgs" here's the downlow. These guys were a great straight-ahead punk rock quartet that started in the early 90's. They had some success with their full-length "Low Fi-at Society High," and were sigend to Capitol Records (along with their touring partners, TripleFastAction, another great band everyone should check out). Believe it or not, I remember seeing The Figgs (and T3Fa) right after their major label releases at the Grog Shop in Cleveland, Ohio, and none other than Jimmy Eat World opened for both of these bands. Who knew Jimmy Eat world would make it big and both The Figgs and Triple Fast Action would fade away. But the Figgs continue on, and they still make music and play shows (albeit with one less member). The Figgs will be playing the Knitting Factory on August 29th in NYC, and you can be sure to see me there. The B-side track, "Let's Get Arrested" is an amazing little interlude, a love song even, about, what else...getting arrested. It's a good activity for a first date, or just a lazy Saturday, and the Figgs wrote a song ALL about it. If you don't like it, I'll give you a buck.

Until next Thursday...

Badass Howto: part I

I've recently been getting a lot of emails about something that seems to be really important to a lot of people. Let me start out by reading one of the numerous letters I've received:

Dear Javier,

I love your band, the johns, and I think you guys are great. You are obviously the most handsome member of the band, but you're also the biggest badass. I keep getting picked on at school, and I was wondering if you could give me some tips on how I can be a baddass like you.

Tim-Tim,
Florida

Well Tim-Tim, I would love to help you out. I have to begin by saying that being a badass is not all fun and games, and can sometimes be a burden, as well as a blessing. To be an ultimate badass, you have to walk a fine line between douche-bag and ass-hole. Many find it quite challenging and usually gravitate toward one side or the other. I myself often flirt with being a total and complete ass-hole, as many would tell you (if they were still alive to talk). In order to best help you with your makeover from pussy to badass I can give you a quick overview.

First of all, be good at something. As a badass, you have to be able to throw the cards down on the table and just make it happen. People should outwardly think you're a big dick, but secretly wish they WERE you. The only way to achieve this is to actually be good at something, in a down and dirty, "put your money where your mouth is" sort of way. Lots of douche bags out there will just talk the big talk, and be full of shit, so you just laugh at them. You don't want to fall into that trap. You also want to stay from the ass-hole side of the equation, by not needlessly taunting your opponents. Some taunting is okay, but after doing something totally awesome a badass will just leave it at that. An ass-hole on the other hand, will just keep taunting people even after they've won.

It doesn't matter what you're good at, although somethings work better than others. For example, I'm good at playing guitar and kicking people's asses. That pretty much makes me a badass. Kicking ass is definitely a good place to start if you want to be an all around badass. Maybe, though, your passion is pokemon cards. Thats okay. If you want, you can be a pokemon card badass. But you have to realize that that is a pretty small circle. To other pokemon card players you would be a badass, but to the rest of the world you would probably still be considered a pussy.

You see what I mean, its a very complicated system, and one that cannot be addressed in a single sitting. I look forward to giving more insight on this topic in next weeks post. Until then, I recommend watching "The Outlaw Josey Wales" with Clint Eastwood. TTFN.

Keytar News and Views - session 2

Eight things that make me happy....

1. Morningside Park
It's pretty much my backyard! and, yes... it has a waterfall!!

2. Billy Jealousy shaving cream.
the best shave EVER!

3. My new Refrigerator!!
Just arrived yesterday

4. Title of Show.
I saw this sublime Broadway show last night. It's about 2 guys writing a show about 2 guys writing a show. (And I saw NO ONE there in tank tops and flip flops!!)

5. Free kayaking on the Hudson River
DO IT!

6. Stevie Nicks Soundstage concert!
An excellent concert and proof that if you love what you are doing, you can rock out at any age -- even 60!

7. Xanadu
I saw this movie when i was 9. It was magic to me then. And it made me realize that designing record albums was a job you could have. 28 years later, i get the honor of designing the CD for it's Broadway counterpart:

8. Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog


....And three that make me NOT so happy:

1. People who ride their bicycles against the traffic. Just because you are NOT in a car doesn't mean you can ignore traffic rules (stop signs, road directions). C'mon, this is SO friggin dangerous. It creates havoc on the street. What if people drove their cars down the wrong side of the street without warning? It's kinda the same thing!

2. My Superintendent.
He rarely takes out the trash on garbage day, leaving weeks of garbage outside the apartment, attracting bugs and getting smelly. Uggh!

3. Car Alarms.
Does anybody really pay attention to these?? Or do they they just create unnecessary noise pollution. (i'm thinkin the later!)

johnny's manic mondays

Couldn't get into Santogold yesterday cause I was so late, but I heard she just played with a laptop.  I don't know if that's OK considering the album sounds like she has a pretty tight band. Not hating, but come on lady!  I love that album. Too hung over to possibly make this interesting and still dealing with lost wallet. I learned my lesson though.  Shit weekend until band practice. Our new song is so dope it hurts, listen up everybody, The johns are getting really good.  I feel like Britney today and for your delight, here's some crazy Brit Brit from the not so distant past. 

Thursdays - 7 inch of the week

Hey all. Jon here with the first installment of "7 Inch of the week." This weekly post will introduce you to a new 7 inch record each week (just one track), and explain to you why you should get off your ass and check it out. All of the records I suggest are, of course, in my personal collection, and I bought most of them when I was a fat loser in highschool with a record player and a basement full of instruments and nothing better to do. Most of them were bought at a cool punk/indie/hardcore record store, called Ultrasound Music, in Willoughby, Ohio (ironically "the johns" rehearsed at Ultrasounds Studios for the first 3 years of their career - generic name, or ironic coincidence?).

In any event, the 7 Inch of the Week is Alkaline Trio - Bye Bye Love. For those of you unfamiliar with Alkaline Trio (shame on you), this band started in Chicago in the late 90's. Current or former members of this band have also played with such bands as the Smoking Popes, Squirtgun, Slapstick, and Suicide Machines (all bands worth checking out), and current members have side proejcts by the names of Heavens and The Falcon. They also put on a kick ass concert at Irving Plaza in NYC last Saturday. The track Bye Bye Love, is, of course, a cover of the Car's hit track, and the seven inch, a split with the Blue Meanies (B-Side, "The Corpse"), was released in 2000 by Thick Records (a great Chicago Punk Rock label). It's an appropriate cover song for Alkaline Trio, a band encompassed in themes of death, suicide, and a general hatred of love (e.g. Their latest release, Agony and Irony, has a track entitled Love Love, Kiss Kiss, with a chrorus "Love Love, Kiss Kiss, Blah Blah Blah, you're making me sick..."). Check out Bye Bye Love on seven inch, or if you're an asshole without a record player, it's also available on iTunes. If you don't like it, I'll give you a buck.

Until next Thursday....

Don't Fear High Cost of Gas, and If You Got it, Flaunt it!

At first I was thinking of doing my post today about China, and how as Americans we should be getting used to the idea that we're about to be the little guy in the global economy. It made me sad for a moment because I love America and its a shame to think that we have nothing left of value to offer the world. Then I came across this post, If Heidi And Spencer Were A Comic Book, from the good folks at holytaco.com and that's when I remembered that we have reality-television!!! I've provided a taste below, but make sure you check out the full effect, very much worth it.
I can tell you, this realization picked me right up. Are you worried that our economy is screwed because we don't produce anything anymore? In fact, we are the Number 1 producer in the world of d-qq (pronounced double q) list celebrities. We out produce the next 5 countries of Britain, Japan, Brazil, Russia and France combined by over 1 Million percent*. Not only that, we also have the highest and richest concentration of celebrity stupidity found anywhere on the planet. So when you hear that gas prices are on the rise and families can't afford to buy food, you needn't worry your hot little face. As long as the Britney's of the world keep popping out kids, and flashing their nipples during the Superbowl, we'll land on our feet.

*estimate

Keytar News and Views

Hello johns universe!
It’s Derek, your friendly neighborhood keytar player.

I had the great pleasure of seeing 2 Broadway shows this weekend. While I’d love to ramble on about the shows i got to see, I’d rather mention something i’d like never to see again: BAD CLOTHES ON BROADWAY! By that i mean, theatre-goers dressed horribly inappropriately. There was a large contingent of people at the first show I saw wearing baggy old t-shirts, saggy khakis, or even worse -- track pants!! Folks these are NOT CLOTHES you wear to the theatre... these are clothes you do laundry in. It got worse at the second show, as I saw a few too many guys wearing tank tops, cargo shorts and flip flops. YUP! Flip-flops to the theatre! HELLO? These are not clothes you wear to the theatre, these are clothes you do your gardening in! Now, before i get accused of sounding pretentious or elitist, let me just back up a bit. The theatre as been around a LONG time (ancient Greece comes to mind... Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount was probably even quite theatrical.) The point is... theatre is for everyone: rich, poor, smart, dumb, young and old! But not even in Shakespeare’s time did anyone ever show up at the Globe Theatre in flip-flops and a tank-top. I’m not sure when the trouble started, i’d like to think it was the late 80s when baggy came into fashion, and even perhaps we can blame Wall-Mart for making sweatpants cheap and accessible to the masses. Whenever it all started going downhill, we need to stop this trend now! Have some respect folks!! C’mon... you are at a show ON Broadway IN New York City seeing live actors and musicians. That’s pretty damn special! Right?? So why degrade it by wearing the same thing you wore when you took a nap on the couch yesterday?? And I’m not saying i want everyone in tux and tails... but come on, wear something nice!! You dress up for a wedding, right? and why... perhaps out of respect for the people getting married? You have to dress up (somewhat) for Jury duty. Why? to show respect for the law . Well... hell! how about making trying show respect for the dozens of people who are putting on a show, working their asses off entertaining you. Even better: show some respect for yourself. You deserve it!! (I mean , you plopped down over $50 buck for these tickets!! times are tough and that’s a lot of dough.) if you start looking and dressing like you give a damn, it might be contagious. if you look like you took the time to put on something nice, then the other people at the theatre might realize they should do the same! and before you know it, going to the theatre might be an event for everyone to enjoy and dress up for. So come on... let’s work together to ban flip-flops, tank-tops and over-sized ratty old t-shirts from the theatre!! You never know what might come of this ...it could even start to reverse global warming!!(doubtful)

And speaking of the theatre, seeing the johns live is QUITE a theatrical event, so we want you to come out looking sharp and enjoy an evening with us and your fellow humans at the next johns show! until next week!
-DB

Johnny's Manic Mondays

Hi! Hi! out there! I'm new at this, go easy on me. Some things I'm pondering right now:

-The upcoming New Yorker cover w/ Barack and Michelle Obama as Jihadists : I think most often, and at this point, we are too dumb to digest satire and take it for what it is. It will only feed the D-U-M-B!

-When do I get to duet with Courtney Love? My boy wrote this song when he was like 5 that I think would be perfect. Someone call her it's soo good.

-Would my sister send me up a river like Madonna's brother and write a scandalous book about me? Probably and I hope so.

Next Monday I will write first thing in the morning when I still have a semi and am clear headed, right now the interns are making a lot of noise.

-Everyone should listen to Heaven's to Betsy's These Monster's Are Real 7 INCH. I'm sure you can get the mp3s.

My best girl was in in NYC from hometown this past weekend and we we rapping about how cool it used to be to buy a 7 inch from obscure bands and then go see them live. The Internet is so over saturated, it's hard to find good music by up and coming indie artists that are not being mulled over by internet campaigns from big labels . These girls still do it for me. 2 girls making a lot of noise is hot. xxxo.

McCain Mojo Make-Over?

"He may be old, white, old, and lack-luster, and the country is probably going to the toilet, but at least he's a little smarter than the last guy" Or, that's what we would have said if McCain were to win in November. That is, until we heard rumors that for his mojo make-over the senator began listening to fallout boy. Poor guy. I guess nobody warned him of the dangerous fallout boy related side effects, including: numbness of the brain and sexual organs as well as a high occurance of ugliness. Better luck next time big fella.

Happy Friday!

Painting Elephant or Republican Fatty ?

I'm sure you've probably heard about the amazing elephant that can paint pictures of other elephants. But is that really whats going on? Or is it yet another sinister plot by the GOP to perpetrate voter fraud? "Look how cute, a painting elephant! Look, he's going by the voting booths, ahh. Whoops his big gray trunk accidentally voted for John McCain!" Will you stop at nothing, Republicans?
Your favorite band, the johns, believe the person behind this insidious plot is probably Rush Limbagh, Newt Gingrich, or some other corpulent republican in a gray suit.

Next Week, The Brains of The Johns

I'm pleased to announce a brand new feature here on the johns universe that I know is gonna give you that special tingly feeling (like when you used to climb the rope in gym class!). Starting next week, your favorite band, the johns, will begin mind melding with you directly! Everyday you will be able to let the thoughts of a different member of the band stimulate you little mind. AMAZING! Will key-slinger Derek "D-roc" Bishop tell us about his uncontrollable potency and his HUGE keyboard? Will beat-master Jon "the dream" Ream talk about living under the constant hailstorm of unconfirmed rumors that he might be bi-curious?" We'll just have to wait and find out.

Get ready to have your mind blown! 

Go For the Gold Rocks!!!

Let me tell you something about this song. First of all, it rocks! It's full of so much tension that I don't even know what to do with myself while I'm listening to it. but you don't have to take my word for it...

Also, there are some rumors circulating about a possible collaboration between the johns and one of president Bush's daughters. We don't know which daughter, we don't know which of the johns, and we don't know exactly what they would be doing, but if we had to venture a guess it would be both, all of them, and getting busy! ROCK!!!

Back to Business

Happy 8th of july! I hope you got enough beer, hot dogs, fireworks and rain over the weekend, because its time to get down to business. The summer maybe heating up, but the johns are still cool, and are planning a new campaign of ROCK. If your around Williamsburg you'll probably see them working hard writing new songs.

The johns universe would also like to wish

a happy belated birthday to Jon Ream, I think he just turned 19.

Finally, A Rod? what's up with that wife of yours? does she not realize that doing Madonna is just a part, just a small part of being awesome? Also, I would be careful, you remember what happened to the last guy who did Madonna? He started making movies with Jean-Claude Van Damme, and you know that can't be good for your career.

Did You See The Video Yet!?!?!?

You've got two more chances:
Tomorrow @ noon,
Tomorrow @ 7pm.

Only on LOGO, so check your local listings! the johns ROCK!!!